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Words & Music by Phil Drane
Lactose Intolerance was inflicted on me at a time when cheese was an essential accompaniment to red wine and port. I dedicate this song to anyone who has similar intolerances but especially of the lactose kind.
It is spooky to find your lyrics posted on websites and syndicated round the world, translated into Spanish, Rumanian, Turkish, Russian, Polish and more – proof positive that Lactose Intolerance is a world-wide thing. One American website advises would-be singers that the line “Dahn in’t dumps’ can be substituted by ‘down in the mouth’ but the song is to be sung in a gruff Liverpool accent.”
I’m reet offended. Liverpool indeed!


Words & Music by Phil Drane

When you're down in t’dumps (in the mouth), don't feel at your best,
Your 'go' has got up and gone
If your mojo's not worked, for a fortneet (fortnight) or more,
Here's a clue as to what's going on.
When you're blown up with gas, got the cramps or the runs,
You feel woozy way down to your shoes,
When you’ve got bad breath and nausea, it’s simply because ….
You’ve got the Lactose Intolerance Blues.

Now listen
It's not something cholic, it's just metabolic,
Your lactase is painfully low
It can't break down glucose or suck up your sucrose
And your enzymes don't cut it no mo'
It's a human botrytis, like gastro-enteritis
Do parasites hold all the clues
Is campylobacter a critical factor
Of the Lactose Intolerance Blues. Yeah.

So take care and be wary, avoid milk and dairy,
You'll no more be a pariah
Those embarrassing slurps, inelegant burps
And your flatulence will simply expire
Your friends will adore you, no longer ignore you
They'll all be thrilled with the news,
No more dextrose averse, you've battled the curse
And beat the Lactose Intolerance Blues.
Leave out the dairy….
The Lactose Intolerance Blues. Oh yeah.

© PhilDrane Music 2016