From the album The English Lament

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Words & Music by Phil Drane

Lactose Intolerance was inflicted on me at the start of this millennium, and coincided with me reaching the big five-oh. Since then strange things have been happening to this body of mine, not least newly-acquired hay fever and things called ganglias that erupt willy-nilly. I have grey hair that has the consistency of No 8 wire and a nose and eyebrows that need pruning and trimming with special implements. I used to be able to eat anything but now, thanks to lactose intolerance, milk cheese and other dairy foods are anathema to my body without a daily dose of Gaviscon.

Lyrics

Words & Music by Phil Drane

When you're down in t’dumps (in the mouth), don't feel at your best,
Your 'go' has got up and gone
If your mojo's not worked, for a fortneet (fortnight) or more,
Here's a clue as to what's going on.
When you're blown up with gas, got the cramps or the runs,
You feel woozy way down to your shoes,
When you’ve got bad breath and nausea, it’s simply because ….
You’ve got the Lactose Intolerance Blues.

Now listen
It's not something cholic, it's just metabolic,
Your lactase is painfully low
It can't break down glucose or suck up your sucrose
And your enzymes don't cut it no mo'
It's a human botrytis, like gastro-enteritis
Do parasites hold all the clues
Is campa labacta, a critical factor
Of the Lactose Intolerance Blues. Yeah.

So take care and be wary, avoid milk and dairy,
You'll no more be a pariah
Those embarrassing slurps, inelegant burps
And your flatulence will simply expire
Your friends will adore you, no longer ignore you
They'll all be thrilled with the news,
No more dextrose averse, you've battled the curse
And beat the Lactose Intolerance Blues.
Leave out the dairy….
The Lactose Intolerance Blues. Oh yeah.

© PhilDrane Music 2016